Choosing a Wedding Party, and What You Are Actually Asking Of Them

Most explanations of choosing a wedding party stop at the point where it starts to matter. This one carries on.

What the role involves

Beyond appearing on the day, the role usually includes attending fittings, helping with preparations, organising a gathering and being available for months. It frequently involves buying an outfit, travelling more than other guests and being present at events they would not otherwise attend.

On the day itself it means working, since the people closest to you are the ones who will be asked to fix things. None of that is unreasonable, but it should be visible to the person before they say yes. Asking someone without explaining is how a friendship acquires an unspoken debt.

Being explicit when you ask

Say what the role involves, roughly what it will cost and what you will be asking them to do, at the moment you ask. Make it genuinely possible to decline, since someone who cannot afford it or cannot spare the time should not have to invent a reason. Where cost is a concern, say what you will cover, and be consistent so that nobody is singled out.

If somebody declines, accept it warmly and immediately, because the friendship is worth more than the role. People who agree knowing the shape of it are far better at the job than people who agreed to an honour.

Numbers and symmetry

There is no requirement for the two sides to have equal numbers, and the convention of matching them causes needless recruitment. Different traditions have completely different structures, from named sponsors with liturgical roles to no formal party at all. Filipino weddings, for instance, assign principal and secondary sponsors with specific ceremonial functions rather than a decorative role.

Some traditions include children in defined roles, and others have no equivalent concept whatsoever. Choose the structure your ceremony actually requires rather than importing one from elsewhere.

Choosing people

Choose people who will be reliable during the year, not only people you are close to, since the two lists differ more than expected. Obligation is a poor basis, and a sibling or old friend who does not want the role will not do it well. It is entirely acceptable to have a small party or none, and many couples now ask nobody at all.

Where someone is hurt not to be asked, a different visible role frequently resolves it completely.

Do not ask people in order to make a point about who matters most, because that is how the choice is read.

What to ask them to do

Give each person a defined task rather than general availability, since defined tasks are done and general availability is not. Someone to hold the rings, someone to gather people for photographs, someone to check on elderly relatives and someone to run the timings all help enormously.

Between the two families, tell them what you do not want as well, particularly around surprises, speeches and anything involving alcohol and a microphone. Give them the run sheet and the contact numbers, since they cannot help if they do not know the plan. The clearer the brief, the less you will be asked on the day.

Costs and gatherings

Pre-wedding gatherings organised by the party can become expensive, and the person organising rarely knows what others can afford. Say clearly what you would like and, more importantly, what you would not, since these events run away from the couple easily. Where you can contribute to outfits or travel, doing so quietly and consistently avoids embarrassment.

Nobody should go into debt to stand next to you, and saying so directly gives people permission to be honest. A thank-you afterwards should acknowledge the work rather than only the appearance.

The takeaway

Tell people what the job costs before you ask them to take it, and give each of them one clear thing to do.

Decide early, decide once, and stop reopening it.